self·ish: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)
self·full (or “full-self”): focused on remembering who you really are, intentionally creating mind/body/spirit well-being with regard to love as a healing force for you and others (Susan Tate)
For decades, I believed that putting myself first was wrong, even sinful, and clearly fell within the realm of being selfish. I spent decades putting everyone else first and caring for myself whenever I got around to it. As a young mother, this often led to me getting sick or having accidents so that (and this was truly sub-conscious) others would take care of me. I did the best I could at the time, so I’m not beating myself up as I reflect. Speaking now as a grandmother: practicing self-love and self-care is not selfish, it’s being self-full.
Please nurture yourself by creating time to read this selection of quotes on the topic of self-loving care. Then choose your favorite to inspire you to take one action step today. And then another step tomorrow.
“What would it feel like if you treated yourself the way you would care for a small child entrusted to your care?”
~Susan Tate
“I finally realized that being grateful to my body was key to giving more love to myself.”
~Oprah Winfrey
“It is not selfish to be happy. It is your highest purpose. Your joy is the greatest contribution you can make to life on this planet. A heart at peace with its owner blesses everyone it touches.”
~Alan Cohen
“To choose love tells the world that you practice self-love, that you believe in love and that you trust in the power of love . . . As a practice, make the choice of self-love on a moment to moment basis.”
~Debbie Rosas & Carlos Aya Rosas
“All that is required now is that you continue to till the soil of your soul. Just as you would not neglect seeds that you planted with the hope that they will bear vegetables and fruits and flowers, so you must attend to and nourish the garden of your becoming.”
~Jean Houston
“My beloved one, break your heart no longer. Each time you judge yourself you break your own heart. You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring of your vitality. The time has come, your time to live, to celebrate and to see the goodness that you are.
~Bapuji
“Oh God, help me to believe the truth about myself—no matter how beautiful it is!”
~Macrina Wiederkehr
“If love is an action, how do you express self-love? Self-love starts with having the courage to be who you are, regardless of what others might think . . . It’s about having the courage to set boundaries and protect them.”
~Francine Ward
“Self-love doesn’t mean self-adoration . . . To love one’s self is to be full of the excitement of life and to be responsive to that excitement in all its myriad manifestations.”
~Alexander Lowen
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.”
~Marianne Williamson
“Love is and I am.”
~Louise Hay
“Flight attendants have a great way of reminding us how important it is to take care of ourselves first. When giving instructions for the use of oxygen masks, they say, “If you are traveling with small children, or someone who needs assistance, put your mask on first before helping others.” Once I realized it was important and even acceptable to take care of me, I stopped getting sick all the time. I am now making better choices on my own precious path of wellness.”
~Susan Tate, excerpt from Wellness Wisdom: 31 Ways to Nourish Your Mind, Body, & Spirit.
It recently dawned on me that any time I have felt like I was walking on eggshells, I was actually the one that had put them there. Has that been true for you too?
Looking back, I now realize I had put those imaginary eggshells there because I had a fear of speaking my truth. But not anymore . . . I now have the intention to communicate in a loving, kind, and timely manner—even when it’s difficult. It is my intention to speak directly to the person (rather than text or email). And here’s the important part; I need to let go of the result.
Going back to the eggshells for a moment, sometimes those eggshells may be there to protect us from harm. Sometimes we intuitively know that it may not be safe for us to speak our truth to someone who may not be able to access his or her own highest and best self. In this case, I encourage you to seek professional support for handling this situation and creating empowering ways to stay safe, grounded, and to not feel like a victim.
At other times, those eggshells might appear when we are afraid to speak the truth (with loving-kindness and respect) to a boss, co-worker, friend, or family member who we think holds power over us. Okay, so you may not want to lose your job or your inheritance, but do you want to be treated poorly? We teach people how to treat us. If there are patterns of behavior that have created well-worn (rather than wellness-worn) paths, consider changing the destination on your GPS. In other words, if you’re walking on eggshells, you might want to walk down a different path.
I’ve also been consciously observing negative energy or situations and realizing that I can either absorb it (which feels awful) or pause and lovingly and without judgment, simply observe it all. Oh, the observing feels so much better! My good friend, Donna, would call that being an “observette.” Would you rather absorb it or observe it? Do you want pain? Or do you want peace?
Tate’s Tips for Becoming a Loving Observette
Observe, rather than absorb stressful feelings and situations.
Speak the truth with kindness, clarity, and compassion.
Let go of the result.
Teach people how to treat you.
Seek support when dealing with someone who is capable of inflicting physical harm.
I find the word “try” to be a bit trying. It’s taken me a while to realize that any time I try to do something, there is a part of me that really doesn’t think I can—or doesn’t even want to—do it. Do you find the same to be true?
The definition of “try” is: “to make an effort to do or accomplish something; attempt, strive. Causing strain, hardship, or distress.” Trying, striving, attempting, making an effort—none of these words inspire or motivate me to want to move forward. The underlying assumption behind these words is that I can’t really do it and will probably fail “trying.”
I see two distinct areas that often involve the word “try”. The first is how we use the word “try” in our speaking. If I say to you, “I’ll try to call you this weekend,” you probably wouldn’t receive a call from me. The lack of intent behind this statement is kind of wimpy! In recent years, I have made a decision to eliminate the word “try” from my vocabulary. Now I might say, “I plan to call you mid-afternoon on Saturday.” And then, I write it down and follow through with my word. If something comes up and I can’t follow through, I contact the person to re-negotiate the date and time.
The second “trying” area involves trying to please someone. Have you ever tried to please someone? Do you find yourself trying to be different in order to make your boss, your parent, a relative, or a partner happier or to like you more? Imagine dripping or leaking parts of yourself every time you put energy toward trying to change someone else’s view of you. This is one time when it’s important to care less. Care LESS about what anyone thinks of you and care MORE about your own level of being and integrity.
What would it feel like to switch from “trying” to “setting an intention” that honors your own needs and feelings first? What would it feel like to let go of trying to please someone who really, really, really just can’t be pleased? What do you value more: the pain that stays wrapped up in this trying cycle of never being able to please someone, or the peace that comes from honoring and accepting yourself as you are now, not how someone else wants you to be?
If you make the choice to get off the road of trying and to venture along the path of intention instead, re-focusing will be important. Here are a few tips to support you so you can STOP TRYING and START INTENDING:
Observe your use of the word “try.” Observe lovingly, otherwise you’ll end up “trying” to stop using the word try and you’ll end up very frustrated!
Take a moment to think of the people around you that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t please. Loving observation is good here too, as you don’t want to make them wrong. They are as they are and you can’t change them—you only have the power to change you.
Create your vision and intention of your healthier choice. Sonia Choquette says, “Intention is like an arrow flying toward a target.” Visualize the target, the end result, and create the steps to reach the target. What would a healthier choice feel like to you?
Stay focused on the end result, take steps to get there, and allow or accept this good into your life.
Express gratitude all along the way.
Do you want to stop trying and start intending? It’s always your choice.
I am excited to announce (dance with joy, squeal with delight, and proclaim across the globe) the publication of the newly revised and updated edition of my fourth book, Wellness Wisdom: 31 Ways to Nourish Your Mind, Body, & Spirit!
You’ll still find 31 chapters (one to read every day of the month) but you’ll also see I expanded almost all of them, adding 70 new pages to this version. You might say I’ve gained a new batch of wisdom in these past four years . . . and a deeper place of authenticity that I am no longer afraid to share. (Check out chapter 21 “Love Radically” to see what I mean.)
I must admit that I still crack up when someone tells me I am such a wise woman. Wisdom doesn’t mystically seep into our mind/body. You and I have both gained our sparks of wisdom by paying attention to both our joys and our sorrows.
I have set a new intention for this 2011 edition. My vision is to amplify the wellness of over one million people. It’s interesting that I really don’t get excited about actually selling a million copies (don’t get me wrong, that would be lovely). But I really, truly get excited when I think of having Wellness Wisdom on the shelves of libraries, women’s shelters, halfway houses, waiting rooms of health and healing providers, and copies accessible to people who need to sit quietly for chemo or other treatments. One book can reach many! I pledge to donate copies of Wellness Wisdom to these kinds of locations in each city I visit on my wellness journey. Would you support this vision by donating a book or two to a special place in your neighborhood?
Thanks for envisioning the spread of wellness with me, and for celebrating the launch of this new edition. It feels like a brand new baby to me, and I plan to take tender care of it.
Exciting announcement coming tomorrow!
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